About 6-7 years ago, I had what most people should experience at least once in their lifetime - an epiphany. I'll skip the reasons and causes for my desire to change, but a hint-*seeing the character flaws in someone else on a regular basis can cause one to look at themselves more closely*. I realized I, me, the person I so desired to once be, was lost.
From a young age, I felt unloved and a burden to others. I lacked trust in even those closest to me, and looked for suspect motivations for even the most innocent of kind gestures toward me. I tried my hardest to be lovable and friendly; jumping into the arms of strangers, hopping on to the lap of anyone willing to hold me. This can be a terrible thing for a child not yet 3 years of age. Needless to say, up until that age, my life was one of neglect and abuse.
As I grew up, there were times my inner rebel would manifest. I would throw tantrums and strike out. Luckily, I was being raised by a woman with an iron fist and a gentle heart - she set me right. Usually with a good whooping.
I loved animals! Anything with 4 legs and fur was my best buddy. I was surrounded, always, by a kitten and/or puppy. Many was the times I would turn to one of these creatures for solace and comfort.
Into my early teens, the insecurities seemed to melt away. I had many friends, a loving home and loved living.
As an older teen, things changed. As some teens do, the allure of partying and free-wheeling took over. I realize now I was being selfish and was consumed with a desire to walk away from everything stable and solid in my life - call it simple ignorance. Again, needless to say (and as we all know), things went loopy.
Years passed. People came and went through my life. And I still wasn't the person I had at one time wanted to be. Until, that one day, the epiphany jumped up and shouted "Howdy!" It was NOT going to be ignored.
I spent two days in bed. Doing nothing but thinking, remembering, mourning and a bit of self-pitying. What I needed to do was back up and punt. I understood that no matter what I did from this point forward, if it caused unhappiness to anyone, or caused others to feel burdened or at odds with themselves, I would not be the cause. I couldn't control what they chose to feel or experience with their actions, but if it were unpleasant, it would be their own heart telling them such - not because of me.
I am not perfect. I have said and done many a thing in my life I am not proud of - but, I put it all behind me. I forgave myself, and all those who have caused me pain and suffering. I continue to do so, as needed.
Recently, someone said to me: "You've been letting people stomp all over you all your life and nothing has changed." I gasped. The words ran through my core and I fought back tears. Is this how I now appear to people? Weak? Victimized? A martyr? Did I have it all wrong?! I took the time to think about it...
I am happy. I have found true love in my life. I have compassion for others and a desire to make others around me happy and comfortable. I have found a place that can bring me peace. A place that can be swept clean of anger, violence, hurtfilled words and apathy - with forgiveness, and hope that the person responsible can live with their actions. I will not add to their burden. I still have enough tiger in me to stand up for myself when I am wronged. I can swat a paw in your direction and let you know what you have done is unacceptable, the rest is up to you. But! Don't mess with my family or those who hold a special place in my heart! I have teeth, too. Some things never change. :)
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